coming undone

A few days ago, one of my most 'fit' prayer warriors said to me, "Jules, you know if this had gone the other way, we'd still have to be praising God."  And, yes, I know that.  But would I?  As strongly?  I mean, if I had lost my husband, would I have had it in me to still be thankful and full of praise?  Thats a pretty big question.

Saturday, I had a better perspective on my answer.  I dont' have any fancy way to say it... we had a crappy day.  Thomas' pain was totally out of control and he was hurting to the point of distraction.  His nutrition was in the tank.  That sounds like a small problem, but its huge... as everything (condition of existing muscles, when grafting surgery can be done, kidney prognosis, etc) hinges on that.   It looked dismal that we could make a dent in improving it in the time given.  His room was not as clean as I'd like, his nurse was mean, he wouldn't eat the food, we were getting more conflicting medical advice than we could discern or handle.  That means that one one team tells you to do is exactly opposite of what the other team tells you to do... ie:Burn=consume all the protein you can.  Nephrology=consume anything but protein!  Throw the trauma team and dieticians into the mix and you don't know who to believe!  It leaves us in the middle trying to choose.   And... to top it all off, I forgot to confirm some information with our insurance company.  Thats REALLY scary. 

We were both: Exhausted. Overwhelmed. Confused. Frustrated. Afraid.  This was the beginning of a giant unraveling for me.  Imagine a small snag in a sweater ... and you pull it.  I could NOT stop crying...that ugly crying, too, where you can't make words or control your face.  The weight of everything fell on me.   He has been so sick.  There is this unknown road ahead of us.  He has an enormous injury that nearly cost him his life.  Its just huge.   I did that whole regret and worry thing that I was trying not to do, I was irrational about everything.  I was asking "Why him!?"  In short, all the things I had felt so solidly 'sewn up in my little sweater of faith' were... unraveling. 

In comparison to where we had been a few weeks ago, why was I coming undone now?  And, why was I questioning our path?  Like Janet Jackson's song so many years ago, I was asking "But, what have you done for me Late-leeeeeeeey?" Where was my faith and strength and praise and thankful heart? 
Really, where was it Miss Blogger!?! 

I realized that faith is sometimes a willful act.  I was helped to that realization by many of you and those 'angels unaware' I mentioned before.  I have to choose it sometimes versus just assuming it will 'flow through me'.  Saturday, I had to choose it.  I had to say to myself, "Self, shut up!" :)  I had to focus and meditate on the miracles God had worked so far.  I had to look beyond myself.  I needed to let God use me for a minute so that I could remember those who had reached out to me.  Even in the worst of times, if we focus on Him, He will bless your for it.  We believe that because we are living it. 

We are still waiting for grafts.  Everything is connected and there are other factors that have to be optimal before the doctors will even consider starting.  That seems like it'd be really frustrating but, with grafting, you really hope not to have any 're-do's'.  So, we are waiting and obeying thier nutrition rules.  Thomas has made a 'business plan'!  He is following it to the letter and its working for the burn guys.  Our hope and prayer is that he will be ready for grafting surgery by the end of this week. 

Our kids are still doing well.  They had lots of Halloween fun, which thrilled us.  Too bad Thomas and I couldnt' enter costume contests this year, we were very convincing!  I dressed as an overworked patient advocate and he went as the sickest healthy man you've ever seen. 

Our family and our friends are supporting us in ways that can only be attributed to grace!  I mean my Mom and my Mother-in-law are doing my laundry!  Can you imagine more grace concentrated in one spot than that (them not me!)?!   Each and everything that happens is orchestrated by God's mighty and righteous hand and I can see that as clearly as I can this computer screen. 

Thank you all for reading this, for caring about Thomas and our family.  Thank you for your faithful friendship and prayers....

HIOTT,
jcm